Memories
by TheLyricsAreMyStory
Summary: On Carla's 41st birthday, she recalls some of the past experiences of her birthdays growing up. Liarla/Narla.


**Memories:**

My birthday was something that I would forever hate. No matter how many presents Nick bought me, or how many candles Michelle put on my cake, or how many times the 'Happy Birthday' song danced around in my brain. Every year was a different scar and now I had forty one of them carved into my interior.

* * *

 **11th Birthday**

I wake up shrouded in cold, goosebumps prickle upon my soft flesh. Most children would wake up excited, maybe lying awake all night, tossing and turning because they can't determine which Barbie doll they will be receiving. I was still awake; tossing and turning, but that was because for an eleven year old, I had more issues than a fully grown woman. I had restless nights because I endeavoured nightmares about my stepdad. I lay awake because I was too tired to sleep, too scared of what the next day would bring.

There was no one to open my door, to start singing happy birthday, to smile in anticipation as they passed me, even one present.

Instead, I pull myself out of bed and wrap my dressing gown around me, heading out of my bedroom where the floorboards creaked beneath my bare feet. I knew my way around every uprooted nail, still treading lightly in order to prevent splinters.

My eyes fall on mam as I enter the living room, lying passed out on the rotting carpet, an empty bottle of vodka in her hand. She had a bruise on her left cheek, most likely inflicted by George last night when they were up shouting until the early hours.

"Happy birthday Carla." I hear a voice from behind me and see Rob, stood in the doorway before I he makes his way towards me.

"Thanks." I force a smile, wrapping my arms around his slender frame. Neither of us were shocked by the scene before us, but we still stood there for minutes, wondering what would be the best solution in order to wake her up. Our thoughts are interrupted by a sharp knock on the door and I leave Rob to go and answer it.

Most likely it would be the tenants, maybe the police, having heard of the racket going on in the estate last night. But to my surprise, it was uncle Johnny.

"Hello Carla." He says immediately before passing me a neatly wrapped gift.

"You didn't have to get me anything." I shrug, taking it from him.

"Your mam in?" He asks.

"Depends what you mean by 'in'?" I sigh. "She's not really in a fit state to talk to anyone."

"Oh... Right." He nods awkwardly. I was half expecting him to help us out, maybe offer some advice as to how to wake her, or maybe even take me out for the day. But instead, he brushes it off, coughing slightly. "Well you two'll be ok?"

"Always are." I reply and he scans my fractured face for a second, sorrow in his eyes before walking away.

"Happy birthday..." He whispers, stopping in his tracks and turning to face me one more time before I shut the door.

* * *

I should have known back then; that something was wrong. But I suppose I was ladened with issues and Johnny Connor was not one of them. He seemed to think handing me a fresh set of crayons every year was enough. Little did he know that even a hug, even a word of comfort would have made so much more of an impact.

He waited forty one years to do anything about it. Forty one years and for that I would never forgive him.

* * *

 **21st Birthday**

Ireland was not where I was expecting to spend my birthday, but Paul had insisted we spent it with his parents. By parents, I meant all of the Connor's, Tom Kerrigan; Michelle's cousin, Johnny, Kate and Aidan and many other people I had never met in my life but most likely loathed me.

"Thought I might find you here." Liam says, leaning up against the back wall of Barry and Helen's house. I'm immediately snapped out of my thoughts as I turn to face him.

"Hey? Oh sorry..." I mutter. "Just needed some air."

"Don't we all." He smiles, looking out into the night sky.

"...They hate me, don't they?" I look at him, moonlight reflecting on his face. His eyes are glistening, holding within them the millions of stars that lay before us. "Be honest Liam."

"My mum's just like that." He shrugs. "Paul could marry a princess and she'd find a problem with it."

"And yet he just got engaged to the roughest girl from their old estate." I mumble. "Hardly royalty really, I'm not surprised they're so disappointed."

"Hey." He looks across at me, lifting my chin with his finger. "You're Carla. You're not your mum, or your dad, or Rob. I tell you all the time you're full of potential-"

"Yeah and now I'm gonna marry Paul." I remind him before lowering my voice. "I'm destined for a life of... What? Cleaning and washing and cooking-"

"You cooking?" He laughs and I roll my eyes. "...You might have kids?"

"Oh stop with the jokes." I nudge him but I realise the seriousness laced in his expression. "Me having kids? They'd be in foster care before they're even out of the womb."

"You know that's not true." Liam argues.

"Yes it is, we both know it is." I snap, harsher than I intend. "...No. No children. I wasn't meant to be a mother, I wasn't even meant to be stood here now."

"You really put the 'happy' in 'happy birthday' don't you?" He grins, lighting a cigarette and passing it to me. I drag on it sharply, releasing the stale taste into the cold January air. "Oh, I forgot." He suddenly mutters, fumbling in his pocket before producing a badly wrapped present. You could tell he wrapped it himself; it used about five different rounds of paper, all being the ends of the roll to try and conceal what was inside.

"Classy." I nod, taking it from him and undoing the paper. I pull it away to find a plain white mug, with the words 'Queen Bitch' written in pink paint on the side of it. "Mm, you really are all heart aren't you?"

"Scuse me!" He laughs, elbowing me softly. "Cost me a good ten quid that did."

"Well I'm honoured." I whisper flirtatiously and we stare into each other's eyes for a second. I drop the cigarette on the floor, not watching to see if it burnt out or not. Instead I continue to look at him, as he hesitantly leans in, his breath warm against my lips.

"There you both are!" I hear Paul suddenly and Liam retracts backwards instantly.

"There you go, that's your necklace done back up for you." Liam immediately produces an excuse and I shift awkwardly.

"Not already chucking away my presents are you?" Paul grins, coming over to kiss me on the cheek.

"Uh, no." I stutter. "Just came undone that's all."

"Right well, I think I'm gonna make a move now." Liam pipes up, clearly relieved that Paul hadn't found us a minute later. He gives us an awkward wave before walking off towards his car. "Happy birthday Carla."

* * *

I will never understand why I chose Paul. Well, I do; because I put money before happiness. That was a lie, I put survival before happiness. That was why I could never be with Liam. Because despite how happy he made me, it would have been wrong. Wrong but so right at the same time.

So instead I married Paul. I married Paul and we moved to Drapers Mill Apartments, as it was closer to the business he was working in before Underworld.

* * *

 **31st Birthday**

"Ey! There's the birthday girl!" Michelle enters the flat without knocking before wrapping me in a hug.

"Happy birthday auntie Carla." Ryan gives me an unenthusiastic wave.

"Ah, you look thrilled to be here." I smile, hugging him next.

"I was supposed to be out with my mates." He groans.

"Ryan!" Michelle scolds.

"Should have let him go out Chelle." I shrug. "Can't be very exciting for him, coming here and eating posh nibbles, making scintillating conversation with his family."

"Uh, no." She replies. "Ryan said he was very up for coming here actually."

"Uncle Paul promised me a tenner." He drones as Paul comes over, handing it to him instantly.

"Get the party started, I have arrived!" The door flies open and Liam enters, holding a bottle of champagne in each hand.

"Right, party's over." I tell everyone and he shoots me a look.

"What are these?" Ryan screws his nose up, observing some of the food cautiously.

"Blue cheese tartlets." Paul replies and Michelle pulls a face at his knowledge.

"How old are you?" Ryan continues.

"Never you mind." I ruffle his hair and he brushes me off.

"Key lime pie?" Liam questions, searching the rubbish for boxes with prices on. "Where's the birthday cake."

"Carbs." I prompt him.

"You heard from Rob?" Michelle asks, tying to divert the subject. Rob had been in prison for several years now, but it didn't prevent him from making the occasional insulting phone call.

"Nah." I respond. "Why would he remember really? I doubt my birthday is top of his priority list."

"Do you have a priority list in prison?" Paul points out.

"Paul you spent four hundred quid on a vase?" Liam pipes up. "I know she's our wife but mate."

"Only four hundred?" I frown. "You said it was seven fifty."

"...Sale price." Paul stumbles.

"You bought me something in the sale?" I clarify and he puts his hands in his pockets awkwardly.

"Oops, Liam strikes again." He moves away from the bin and stuffs a piece of quiche in his mouth. "Forever causing mischief whoops."

"What about your mum?" Michelle continues and I crack a laugh, turning away from the chaos that was being caused.

"Are you serious?" I raise my eyebrows.

"No, scrap that." She shakes it off. It was true, no member of my family would be getting in touch today. To them, it was just another shitty day in the blood stained diary. The Connor's were my family now, dysfunctional as they were, they meant more to me than my 'real' family ever had.

* * *

"Happy birthday." Nick smiles as I hesitantly open the door, my eyes falling upon the scene in front of me. He had stuck a candle in my bowl of fruit as he knew I was steering clear of carbs. The coffee table was ladened with presents and cards, which he had arranged elegantly. I didn't deserve any of this, not one single bit.

"...You didn't have to do that." I sigh, my heart falling at the effort he had gone to. "I forgot your birthday."

"Yeah well you've had a lot on." He shrugs.

"So have you." I object. "I'm just a terrible fiancée."

"Enough of that please." He sighs, coming over to me and observing the bags under my eyes. "Can we just put everything aside for today? Have a day of me and you? No work, just have a nice chilled out Sunday, watching films on the sofa."

I nod, because it was going to be the easiest option. It was the most tempting option and yet the most painful. Two days ago I slept with his chef, a week ago I found out that my ex husband was my cousin, that Johnny was my dad.

My birthday wasn't a day for celebrating, it was a day of remembering the fact of how I was accidentally brought into the world. Born at the bottom of a staircase, brought up to believe I was worthless, unwanted. Forever being deprived of love and affection and security.

Yet here I stood, with the man who could give me everything on the day that could give me nothing but bad memories.


End file.
